and this is why exercise is BAD for you.

Exercise- the magical chalice frometh which floweth the waters of youth. Or something like that. In the past decade, more people have been nagged to exercise than wives have nagged husbands to mow the lawn. It's the universal nag after "So how about some lovin' tonight? What?! A headache again?!"

Everyone tells you to exercise more. Doctors. Fitness First brain-washers. The girl that you like who doesn't like you back. Even the TV (ironically)!

No one tells you of the inherent hazards of it thou...

So there I was, listening to all the subliminal propaganda about exercise and all its fucking benefits and having been brainwashed, I was at the gym. Happily content that I was about half way through my workout, I thought I'd do something new: the cable fly.

So there I am, biceps and pecs straining after 4 repetitions when I get this strange over-whelming nausea. This is strange as I haven't eaten anything funny or at dodgy places. The feeling persists. I stop my workout in puzzlement. Then my vision starts to go all spotty and dark.

"Fuck!" I say to myself, "I'm having a vaso-vagal!"

(ED: in simple terms- I was fainting)

Now being someone with a tad bit of medical know-how, I knew that if I lay down (with my own will rather than...you know, just falling) I'd be fine, so as long as my brain got some more blood.

Somehow, I managed to walk over to the change rooms and plonk myself down flat. Blood returned to my brain and the nausea and spotty vision miraculously vanished as if some voodoo priest had plucked out the metaphorical pin from the metaphorical voodoo doll! I was cured!

I tried to sit up, only to realise that the blood in my brain didn't appreciate gravity and complained by reacquainting me with feeling crap. I lay back down and stared at where my non-gym clothes hung. It was then I noticed that my jacket was missing! My old, comfy, disturbingly faded/ripped/stretched jacket was nowhere to be seen!

I mean if it was say, a bag, I'd understand: lots of uses for a bag/its not that personal. This is a used, dirty jacket. Who the fuck steals that? It's an item of personal clothing! I don't wear other peoples underwear- this is practically the same thing! I wear that jacket ALL THE FUCKING TIME! Obviously that's an exaggeration as I wasn't wearing it when it was stolen. Nope- at that point I was nearly passed out.

So the lesson here is this: those who preach about exercise are just EVIL. Satan reborn even. Do not listen to their banter of being healthy and living longer: you will faint, hit your head and bleed to death. Quite different to living longer. Or worse, if you're in Siberia, you'll go to the gym to find that your jacket has been stolen and then freeze to death. The moral of the story is simply this: Beware the dangers of exercise- it's not the nice peachy thing that everyone makes it out to be!

In bold, it can be said simply as:

EXERCISE IS EVIL! (kinda)