Malaysian Adventure: genesis (and why I don’t like Indians)

Ok folks, hopefully this set of stories will be delivered in better time than the last set. As I’m typing this, I realize that the last set of stories (Nepal) isn’t even have done yet. Ah well.

I’m typing this at the airport. It has been about 35 mins since I’ve been here and already there is enough zealous anger in me to justify a proper blog post.

Why am I this feverous? Well I’m glad you asked (or if you didn’t…tough – my blog. I’m gonna bitch about it anyway!)

I’d like to point out that the reason we were running a bit late was due to my own ineptness at time management. But I thought I did fairly well and caught up to schedule… actually I was running 15mins behind, but that’s ok.

Dad decided to drive in that incredibly slow and irritating way where he has to talk at every turn, and being male, isn’t able to multi-task and hence slows the fuck down. Now from what I remember correctly, Tiger is renowned for their abrupt check-in cut offs, so I was feeling kinda… you know, anxious. So Dad decides to point out all the fucking buildings on the way in to the airport. “Oh, that’s the customs house… and that’s where fairies get dropped off. Oh yay! and that’s where Pinocchio was detained ‘cause he was made out of foreign untreated wood!” Whilst he’s saying this, he’s driving at about 10k’s an hour.

Reason 1: Indians mostly end up thinking that what they have to say in the most valuable thing ever and that minuscule facts really interest everyone. It’s like an entire race of socially inept nerds! Though I’ve seen this quality present in many Asians as well.

Anyway, I get him to hurry up and drop me off. As always, the Tiger check-in is long due to a) cheap fares and hence lots of people flying and b) their relatively cheap pay for employees ensuring that tasks take 3x as longer to do as compared to an untrained chimpanzee.

At this stage, my anger was fully directed towards the corporation, until I realized the main reason why even a trained chimpanzee would’ve failed. An Indian couple. Nowhere is the a more powerful force that tends towards inefficiency as one of these. (you see, I’m doing the world a big favor by not liking Indians!). For the sake of this post, I’m naming the guy Vishnu and the chick Barbara. Shut up, it’s my blog! (but yes, they were both Indian).

Reason 2: Indian couples are inefficient. Don’t ask for me reasons; I have too many – some will become apparent later in the post. And also the girls remind me of my mum. That is very bad as I do not have a thing for MILF’s, especially one that looks like my own mother.

Now these people eventually ended up getting off at Darwin (I don’t know if they were going O/S) but oh…my...God. They had brought no less than 6 pieces of luggage + carry ons! Holy fuck! I mean I’m sure Darwin has kitchen sinks ya know! Obviously they had no idea as to luggage cut off weights, or had blatently ignored them thinking they could talk a budget airline carrier out making their money.

Reason 3: Indians always tend to find a reason for a bargain/getting something for nothing/just trying to break the system. Asians are notorious for this, but at least they are just cheap and don’t try to justify it as some noble cause or rational argument.

After being turned down by the Tiger staff as “Pay (aka. we’ll commit day light robbery and arse-rapery… legally) or leave your provisions for a nuclear winter behind” they decided that their packing skills could really benefit from a refit. So they pulled open all six bags and started to re-organise. Need I say that they did this right in front of the counter, making it oh so easy for everyone else to get to said counter.

Reason 4: When under stress, an Indian (including myself) will just not think about anyone else. Don’t ask me why – it’s genetic. They just do their own thing because “the system sucks so everyone (including random bystanders) deserve passive-aggressive punishment!”

Now the thing that really made me blow my top was what exactly they had packed. Vishnu had immediately realized, thanks to being the clever mentally incapacitated sloth that he was, that irrelevant junk shouldn’t come along. They make luggage heavy. He walked by me with a stack of say, 20-30 Time magazines. Oh and what looked like beanbag beans. Barbara on the other hand was unpacking gear that would’ve left Inuits in shame. You two are going to Darwin for fucks sake, not Antarctica!

Reason 5: Indians will always over-pack. There has never been a time in history otherwise. It’ll make the universe collapse if, heaven’s forbid, they left their Ronald McDonald book end at home and needed it to hold up all 20 copies of the same airline magazine that they pilfered! As a real life example, currently I have a jumper next to me and I’m in Singapore. My mum just wouldn’t let me go without one. Just incase global warming decided to accelerate so fast that the polar ice caps broke away and… headed to Singapore.

The other thing was, Vishnu and Barbara had very smug grin when they had reduced their amount of literal shit in their baggage, not realizing that desposing of excrement in the toilet/trash would’ve prevented this problem. Obviously they had not heard of the slogan “Shit wasn’t meant to fly”. Could they bear to let the crap go to waste?

No!

Vishnu was on the phone in less than 2 mins organizing his relative (who will be called Bobinda) to pick it all up. (This by the way is pure speculation, but being Indian I think I can gauge the intentions quite clearly).

Reason 6: Most Indians are hoarders. Period. They just hold on to useless shit. Actually, most Indian men are hoarders and the women being submissive just tend to go with it (unless you’re my mum and tend to send me with stuff to dispose off). As an example, I was on the phone in my parents room the other day and needed to write something down. The pen holder was filled with approximately 35 pens (definitely not 40 though). I try the first one, nothing! Second one, nothing! This pattern continues until the 8^th fucking pen! I lined up all the useless ones to chuck out and when I looked back from after writing down what I needed to, they were back in the pen holder! The guy is ust emotionally attached to empty plastic tubing!

Hence, Indian couples are bad. Not sure if Indian/Asian couples are better, but for the time being that’s what I’m going with… or Indian/white.

EDIT – I was just getting picked up when I saw Vishnu and Barbara in S’pore – they were the only ones with overcoats on in a country that has like 90% humidity and a temperature in the high 20 degrees at 4am.