Let's rejoin our protagonists in Bondi, where they are currently waiting for a bus in a line that doesn't seem to move to get to the beach after a meal that was generously sprinkled with passiveness and a hint of aggressiveness. The line was big. It was huge. And it was stagnant. In the end, we realised that we could've taken a faster bus, but due to our stubborn nature, we stood for an extra 20 mins. At least our seats were good.
Lesson 8: Your pride isn't worth waiting in a longer queue. Really, no-one cares or even notices and seriously, what point have you proven? I'll tell you- the point that you've got too much time on your hands! (which, luckily, we did)
We arrived at the beach, ready to go home again. This is where I witnessed the even larger population of "we're at the beach but we're not really swimming" people. Again, due to cyclone weather, the beach was closed except for a half a dozen "expert surfers" (as the life guards called it. I call it people who didn't listen and look cool surfing and might die soon) and a few idiots.
People, you must all at least go to Bondi beach once. Especially if you're a guy. Yep, that's right! It's a topless beach. Now, not everyone is topless, but there is enough exposed bosom to make your walk to the water that much interesting. You'll go "Hey, look! Sand, sand more sand... I'm getting bored." *walks by random naked jugs on the beach* "I'm quite excited about the beach again!" And no, I didn't walk around to check out tits, I was taking photos (not of the hooters, you dirty people!)
Now, I got a few good shots (check the newly added Cyphix@ DeviantArt link on the side) and enjoyed the M15+ rated views. I am single (what a segue!) and hence I have no restrictions about staring at semi/half/fully-naked women. I, if I were to ever find a woman tolerant enough, did get "involved," I'd like to maintain the right to keep staring at the aforementioned clothing-deprived-sex-objects. As guy, we constantly have testosterone running through our system, meaning that we constantly need meat and nudity. However, as Jimbo-Jones later enlightens me, you supposedly lose this right when you have a girlfriend. I'm told, by this horse (the entire "straight from the horses mouth" thing again), that this is what started it all. I didn't believe him, as I saw symptoms previously, but who am I to judge?
Lost yet? Good! It'll be clearer in a second - just had to try the random-tangent-to-keep-readers-hooked thingy.
This story arc began when I returned from my photo-taking extravaganza. I came to find all 4 of my fellow com padres hunkered in the shade of a wall at the edge of the beach. This, in itself, is not unusual. These people burn! Not only do they burn, but they do it often. The strange thing was that Bekstar and Jespar were standing about 2m away from Eve and Jimbo Jones, looking quite frustrated. As I neared and then left them behind to approach Eve and Jimbo, a hand shot out and grabbed me. It was Bekstar saying "I wouldn't go there if I were you!"
After asking about what was happening, it seemed that the love birds were having a lovers quarrel. Awwww. Except it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't those little quarrels that last about an hour and everyone is happy and making out in public later. It was one of those longer ones that last for a few days/wks and usually end with fiery make-up sex.
This, again, was not really any of my concern. Sure, the day/s would be a bit awkward but it wasn't my relationship woes. Ahh, how naive I was...
The rest of the time at the beach was spent in awkward silence and, for me, with long walks. In the end, we went home, though this time it was a bit funny in that Eve and Jimbo were not sitting next to each other and it was me that had to sit in the middle. Awkward much? That night was also awkward. Eve cooked dinner, but it was without the usual happy laughs and screams that come when friends do any activity together. It seemed like a very sombre evening. Like one after a funeral (of someone you actually liked). She refused all help and avoided talking. You could tell that Eve was the one with the issues. I even applied the rule of nagging for a good minute. All I got was "No it's not about any one in particular, more an entire population". Huh. Cryptic, eh? What did I tell you about femlaes? English and them do not mix. However, after you hang around them enough, you begin to see that they are just like newly migrated fobs - you can kinda tell what they are talking about. I said "So pissed at the entire male kind, eh?"
"Wow, you're good at understanding things!" was the reply.
Lesson 9: If females are being cryptic when they are moody, they're probably blaming you - if not you personally, than some group or category you belong to. Think big and you'll probably find the category that they're referring to.
Now, as you do in these cases, you check from the other horses mouth as to what happened. I checked with Jimbo, as I've mentioned and it seems that this all orginated from him passively admiring the mamary glands of nubile females on said beach (aka perving on exposed titties by accident - and I do believe it was an accident on this occasion - they're everywhere - you couldn't avoid it if you tried!). I agreed with him that the reaction was not proportional with insult. Hmm. Something about that observation rang a bell in the back of my head. Actually, I noticed that this metaphorical "bell" had been ringing all along, but I had failed to notice it because it was ever so faint back then. Like Alice said - curiouser and curiouser...
Anyway, Eve had suggested that we go to karaoke at night over breakfast, long before the events of today transpired. A silent air of agreement hung over the apartment as we all subconsciously got dressed and made preparations for karaoke to keep Eve happy (or at least not to aggravate the scenario further). We walked along Paddy's Markets to China Town into this dingy stairs that were protected by a security guard. As Konrad pointed out, this place seemed far more dodgy than the triad infested karaoke bars in Melbourne. Fearing for our lives, we entered the place, as obviously, our fear of Eve exploding in a burst of anger seemed much more tangible and real.
So we entered, collected our free asian softdrinks and entered the room. It was dingy place with low lights and a 68cm TV with a karaoke system made in China (aka the controls didn't make any logical sense, nor did the videos to half the songs). We sang a few songs - Jimbo and I followed by the girls. Konrad, the only actual singer in the room wasn't singing. Eve thrust the mic into his face screaming "Sing damn it!" Jimbo and I offered to take the mic and sing instead as Konrad was quite taken a back by the outbreak. After the song I had to go to the toilet and Konrad joined me, which seemed quite odd - guys usually don't go in groups. After micturating, Konrad stopped me and went, "Are you noticing the symptoms?" At that point all the bells rang in unison and one of those "bulb lights up" moments occured.
"Yep!" I replied.
"Good! I thought I was the only one. Did you notice it just before? (rhetorical) Do you think we should educate Jimbo? He seems to not have a clue".
So I subtly went into the room when the girls were singing and blatently went called Jimbo to meet us.
"Dude, you realise what's happening at the moment don't you?" asked Konrad.
"No clue!"
"Dude, we've done both psych and O+G. What you're seeing here is the classical symptoms of PMS. Bad PMS. It should be over in a few days, but at the moment, just don't piss her off. I mean don't be a wuss and just do everything she says, but don't aggravate the situation or blame her. It really isn't her fault. On top of that there is a phenomenon where a group of girls PMS together - I think it's kinda like that at the moment (remember the random crying by Bekstar? The illogic of not ordering steak by Jespar? The group passive-aggressiveness?) This is almost as bad as it gets!" I informed.
We went back in there, feeling like men who had bonded (and not in the dirty way). We had at least informed our comrade of the horrors of PMSing females. Konrad still didn't sing. Bastard!
After a few more songs, we were tired and sleepy, so we went home and slept.
The next morning was better with the tension in the air having loosened a bit. (My tension detector was on the entire time - and it went haywire the night before). We went to Paddy's for some more shopping and to show Jimbo since he hadn't been there. We went there and wandered around and Jimbo got a tattoo. We wandered around chatting and bought a few little trinkets. The girls were at a net cafe, so wandered around some more. Then the event that probably changed the day happened.
We were walking along the markets and we came across a dvd stall. We looked through the dvds and found a copy of "To Kill a Mockingbird". A bit of a back story - Eve had found a copy of said movie in JB on the first day, but had not bought it. In the spirit of male brotherhood, I gave the biggest hint I had at that moment. "Eve really likes that movie!"
"I'm sure she would?!" Shit he didn't get the hint. Stupid Jimbo! Let's make it more obvious...
"I'd get the movie and give it to her. Hint! Hint! Hint!!!!" How much more obvious can you be?
"Ahh!"
Finally! He got it! He haggled the DVD price down and bought it. We went to the net-cafe to meet the girls. Jimbo presented the DVD to Eve.
"Awww! How'd you know I wanted that?"
Lesson 10: When you're in a pickle with your other half, the best thing you can do is not to shower them with expensive dinner or to continually say "sorry!" but to find a tiny niggly thing that you know they want and to give it to them. They were bitching that they had a sore back? Organise a massage! They love Terry Prachett? Buy the new book! They want a DVD? You buy it for them. Basically it shows that you listen to the little things (I don't, but I remember random niggly details which makes me good at that sort of thing!) and makes them feel like you're connected on some weird new age kinda way (Why is physical connection not enough? What's with the obsession of females with all things wishy washy?)
Anyway, to pull this off, I sank into the shadows so that the most obvious answer to Eve's previous question would not be answered correctly. That is- obviously I told him, but if he kept silent/made up some sarcastic comment about him being able to read her mind, she'd believe it instead of being logical.
Lesson 11: Any given hormonal girl will believe illogical thing if you spin it along the right way. Don't ask me why, but it's about the only upside of PMS episodes: they're completely illogical. They get mad about the randomest of things, but they also feel special when you bullshit. It works. Don't argue with me!
That changed it all. The holding of hands and the public displays of affection were back in full swing. I thought I had remedied the scenario and all was going to be well for our last day tomorrow. I was wrong. For the rest of the day at least, all was well. I went and did my own thing and took photos. Jimbo was leaving Sydney in the afternoon, so I hurried back to say goodbye and then got dressed. We were having an expensive dinner to commemorate the trip at a place near the apartment called the Sugaroom. I highly recommend it! Mains are about $30-40 but awesome.
Rule 3: Go to the Sugaroom or one of the restaurants near the wharf. Food is awesome and the views are probably worth it. It's expensive, but I know for certain that Sugaroom is worth it.
The next day Konrad had left and we were kicked out of the apartments as we were leaving that afternoon. After keeping our luggage in the store room of the apartments, we wandered around the city to kill the day. We went back to St Jeromes and all things seemed happy. I thought everything was over (in terms of PMS etc) was over and done with. Boy was I wrong. We wandered around the city for a while just looking at stuff and having coffee. Eventually we decided to go to the movies. Most of the crew wanted to see I am Legend (before you even begin - it was shit) but Eve wanted to see Darjeeling Ltd. I have no idea why she kept telling me that. During the movie, I got a constant barrage of I'm cold. I'm tired... etc.
Eventually I just went, "why are you bitching to me? I'm not your boyfriend!"
"But Jimbo isn't here, so you can be his replacement." Shit! I was in trouble!
I have no idea why, but I seem to act as the replacement boyfriend for a lot of people. Now I don't mind in a lot of cases as listening to drama from others is usually quite fun. However, I draw the line where I have to deal with shit from others. I mean c'mon! I'd deal with shit if I got benefits, no benefits, no shit tolerance. Not to say I become a big bastard. Just a little one.
Lesson 12: When a girl starts acting like you're her boyfriend (when your not) either do something (if you like her) or put your foot down. Nothing good comes from fulfilling that role. If you're both single, it can lead to
co-dependance and friends with benefits (which is quite fun, but messy). If you're both taken, it can lead to emotional attachments issues or infidelity. If one is taken the other is not, unless you tread carefully it can also lead to friends with benefits where one is having fun and the other is filled with guilt. I'm a bazillion other possibilities exist, but those in my opinion are the most risky (and hence fun!) So be a bastard and show them where the line is. They're more than welcome to cross it, but not for free. As the age old adage goes, "You break it, you pay for it!"
Luckily for me, the tirade died down after I did put my foot down a bit (and took a break to go find a present for my brother so I could have oestrogen free time) so the rest of the time was quite nice. We wandered down Darling Harbour and had coffee, collected our luggage and made our way to the airport. Eve and I left first, so after some fast food dinner at the airport, it was time to say goodbye to Bekstar and Jespar. I have to say, I was a bit sad to have to leave them. Sure, it wasn't the easiest task to stay with the 3 of them (as evidenced by the blog posts!) but it WAS extremely fun. Especially for me as I had no issues there.
So, late in the afternoon, our plane home took off and headed into the majestic golden sunset...
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Rest of the Sydney Stories
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post one
post two
post three
post four
post five
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Rest of the Sydney Stories
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post one
post two
post three
post four
post five
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1 comment:
You can be my replacement boyfriend if you want... NOT
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