iterations...

I met a guy (kinda sounds... wierd coming from a straight guy, doesn't it? Well, I've met some girls too... but thats only for me to know =P ) I was bored, so I did what I also do: opened that mouth and muttered something random so that the right brain could be entertained and do what it does and come up with tangents and amuse itself whilst the left brain stares and wonders the relevance between this event and what I'm meant to be doing: going to a lecture.

It was a normal conversation: How was your weekend? Response: It was messy.

Right brain to Left brain: Interesting...

Right brain tangents: St Kilda messy? Lots of girls messy? Drawing with mud messy? My room is really messy messy?

Left brain: I don't really care - but since YOU (being me) haven't been out in a month, if it indeed is the former 2, live vicariously damn it!

So I probed.

And was astounded. Many of my friends would know that inside, I'm quite the cynic. Fewer would know just how deep that goes and to the extent of the bitterness towards the world I used to possess. At a stage, I thouht I was in the lowest point any being could be in. That was 5 yrs ago. I thought I had it bad. How wrong I was...

This guy. His events of the last 5 yrs almost mirrorred my last 4 yrs. His arguements/views on life were exactly the same as mine. His bleak outlook on it all, His search, His desperation, His idea of the futility of it all... All of it, I felt ALL of it. I talked about somewhere I'd been quite recently (metaphorically) That happy state that I'd lived in for about 1 wk. Farzi was there a few wks ago an knew exactly what I meant when I started to describe it. I was taken by that moment, the moment that made everything seem worthwhile... but not him.

I doubted he'd been there. I told him there was hope. He then told me the rest of his story. He's been there and he's become even more bitter. He's experienced exactly what I have, be it through drugs, meditation, sex or otherwise. We have walked along exactly the same path, in what order, I do not know, but the paths were identical. It was almost like talking to yourself. You couldn't form an arguement, for you knew exactly how you'd rip it up.

But there was one difference: I'm here. I'm happy(ish). I've stopped (or markedly reduced) my self-destruction. I feel stable and secure. He is on the anti-pode. Risks are his life. He is bored. He wanted to know if I could get coke for cheap. His outlook was bleak. And he gave the lyrics to his song. It was about angels...

Came down to watch you cry

To dry up the glint of hope in your eyez
Do you want to know how angels die?
Do you want to know why?



The lyrics..... ohh the lyrics... they're not that, but raw emotion. I don't know how but each verse resonates with some part of me. Like my body remembers exactly what those words felt like. I'm no poet or song writer, nor do I claim to understand lyrics/poems and their meaning, but I assume that a lyric/poem/painting is meant to evoke a feeling/emotion in who views it. He has done just that. I felt every word, every line, every verse

And 7Ii knew, somewhere along the way, I found a different path. For the first time in a long LONG time, I realised that I had changed.

And I was happy.